“Wait, you were a Christian?”
Short answer? Yes, for a while.
I started going to church a few years ago. I was in a particularly bad place at the time and felt like I should explore it. The first time I explored it, it lasted a couple of months and then I stopped going. I just wasn’t feeling it.
However, about a year later I started attending a different church. This church was different. It was a charismatic evangelical Christian church. It had a very American feel. The band that played each Sunday was like a rock band. The speakers were cool, confident, and lively. At first, I loved it.
When I first arrived, I was greeted at the door and introduced to one of the pastors as a newbie. He was so welcoming and asked where I lived. I told him, and he immediately took me over to a family who came from the same area as me. That family warmly greeted me and asked me to sit with them. They were so friendly and helped me navigate the first service. They became my friends. I also joined the church’s support group, to look at dealing with my issues. The group quickly became like family. We exchanged phone numbers and texted during the week. When they asked how I was, it felt like they genuinely wanted to know the answer. They were always pleased to see me. I loved the feeling of community and the sense of belonging. I felt like I’d finally found my place. I attended church twice a week, spent my spare time studying the Bible, and started making preparations to be baptised.
But there was a problem.
I didn’t believe.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force my brain to believe in the God of the Bible, and I couldn’t reconcile my core values with the values of Christianity. I was a queer feminist who believed in universal access to safe abortion and equal rights. I didn’t believe I was powerless to control my life and that the only way things could change was if I accepted that and just prayed that God would fix me. I felt constant guilt and tried desperately to suppress those thoughts.
But gradually, the pit in my stomach grew so large I could no longer deny it.
I didn’t fit in. And I didn’t want to.
So I left. It wasn’t easy. For the first time in my life, I’d felt like part of a loving community, and suddenly it was gone. As soon as I stopped attending church, those “friends” disappeared. My support network dissolved. It was a low point and my mental health continued to deteriorate.
However, since leaving I gained access to professional mental health treatment. I came to accept myself. I am a queer feminist who believes in universal access to safe abortion and equal rights. And that’s okay.
Now, I look back and I realise that what I was looking for was acceptance. Acceptance that I was never going to find in Christianity. Sure, there were more liberal Christians, but the doctrine remained. The Bible is a circular hole and I’m a square peg.
I don’t know if I’ve found my matching peg hole yet, but I’m not willing to force myself to conform just so I fit in. If people can’t accept me for who I really am, then I don’t want to be accepted by them.
I accept myself.
Do you have any experience with organised religion?
What do you like/dislike about it?
Let me know in the comments!
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Hazel Gee - Writer 
I fall in and out of love with Catholicism on a regular basis; on one hand it was the center of my childhood (I went to a Catholic school and wanted to be a nun) and I love my concept of Hangry Socialist Jesus, on the other hand they have no room for a hangry queer polyamorous socialist like me in our Spanish stone churches. Maybe you’re right, it’s the acceptance we crave and we’ll have to find it somewhere else.
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I think if we are trying to shoehorn ourselves into something, it’s never going to feel like the right fit. Organised religion has its benefits, but if we never feel truly at home, I think it’s worth questioning. 💜
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I was raised in a Roman Catholic home, I attended private school from preschool to eighth grade. I attended both English and Spanish masses and I even continued to attend church my first two years of high school. That was more out of habit than belief. My problems arised when my questions that were science or sociological related were not satiated. Too many things weren’t adding up. Such as, if Adam and Eve were the first two humans and they had Cain and Abel, was there an uncomfortable amount of incest to populate the land? Also if we are all made in God’s image, why are so many people judged and discriminated against? I also have a problem with authority lol.
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Yes, I’m totally with you there, there are so many things that don’t add up to me both scientifically and morally. I love the concept of organised religion, but unfortunately the reality just doesn’t sit comfortably with me. Thanks for reading!
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“I accept myself.”
That is so powerful. I’m glad you were able to recognize that and be able to walk away of your own volition. I’m kind of at odds with my faith. I grew up evangelical. It’s practically in my blood. Finally being okay with questioning things and coming to different conclusions that you didn’t think were “allowed” all your life is a very liberating thing. I find a lot of solace in the exvangelical community on Twitter/Facebook. Ironically what we all seem to have in common from our time in evangelicalism is shared trauma/mental health issues. Yikes.
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It’s a great shame that what could be such a wonderful community can be marred by dogma and judgment. I have my own beliefs now that don’t include organised religion, and I’m much happier. I truly hope you are able to find a balance that is right for you. I think spirituality can be so beneficial for us, but unfortunately organised religion can let us down in that area. Hope you’re well! x
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Mate. This is incredible. Such an interesting story, so powerful. I’m sorry you didn’t get what you needed from them, but you got what you needed from yourself and I hope you can reconcile the two some day.
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Thank you so much. Yes, I now feel much better about my spirituality, and I have my own beliefs now, it just doesn’t involve organised religion or values that don’t match mine 🙂 thanks for reading!
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No, thanks for writing it. I feel like this is really important and so well written ❤️❤️
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[…] I have sought a spiritual path and some sort of universal connection. For a while, I explored Christianity, however, I could not reconcile my own core values with the core values of the religion at large. I […]
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I had enjoyed reading this post. A blessed Christmas season to you.
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[…] am not a Christian. I have had experience with Christianity, but it didn’t feel right for me. Having said that, let me be absolutely clear: I am not […]
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I live in an area that is described as part of a “Bible belt.” I grew up with fundamentalism all around me. I dislike much of it. The experience you describe, the love when you’re exactly what they demand and the exclusion when you’re not, is very typical. I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t approve, but then, I’m pretty sure Jesus and the rest have nothing to do with organized religion.
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I think you’re absolutely right, Michelle. I personally think organised religion has very little to do with spirituality, and more to do with power and control.
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100%
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[…] talked about this experience in my 2018 blog post titled “Why I loved and then left Christianity“. I’m not going to repeat this story in full, so feel free to go back and read it then […]
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[…] written previously about why I loved and then left the religion – the first time and the second […]
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